Normalcy?
by arianna99
Summary: WARNING: This is a parody, mostly of bad fanfic Just a normal day at the hub...


**WARNING: This is a parody, mostly of bad fanfiction. I'm not pointing a finger at anyone; I'm sure I've used some of this stuff myself. Just be warned.**

Title: Normalcy?  
**Rating:** Hard R. For safety.  
**Disclaimer: **bbc rtd etc  
**Summary: **Just a regular day at Torchwood Three...

It was a normal day at Torchwood Three. The Rift Alarm had been silent for months now, and, truth be told, no one really cared. There had been minor fluctuations, which mostly just meant alien sex toys scattered around Splott at random intervals.

Tosh was running translation programs on stuff that had been in the archives for so long no one really cared what they did, but she didn't have anything else to do. Owen was watching porn, and Gwen was reading Perez Hilton's blog.

Ianto was making coffee.

Jack was pretty sure he was going to die of sexual frustration. Ianto hadn't touched him in _three whole hours_ and now he was enticingly bending over to pick up a coffee bean that had fallen on the floor. Jack had every single CCTV camera in the hub pointed at his lover's arse. It was straining against the cloth of his trousers like two wolfhounds romping in the snow, and Jack wanted nothing more than to put his broad, manly hands on it.

He exhaled carefully, using a technique he'd learned from one of his five thousand previous lovers, and then realized that the antics he'd previously considered satisfying were nothing compared to the powerful emotion he felt when he and his little Yanni made love.

Full of purpose, Jack stormed to the kitchen unit. "Ianto," he growled in a very masculine, yet somehow not too dominant, voice.

Ianto looked over, blue eyes wide, and immediately got harder than a big pile of large rocks. "Jack," he gasped, and Jack couldn't tear his eyes away from the candy pink colour of his true love's lips.

"My office," Jack said hoarsely. "Now."

"Yes," Ianto exclaimed and followed his Captain up the stairs.

Neither of them remembered the rest of the team was watching. They had, after all, had so much plot purpose thus far they may as well have been sitting in the corner playing Parcheesi with the Weevils.

Jack didn't even have the presence of mind to close the blinds to his office. Instead, he threw Ianto down on the desk, and then removed their clothes, magically, with an alien device, because he didn't want to waste time on a tedious scene involving buttons and shoelaces. It might distract them from their magical sex land.

"Oh, yes!" Ianto screamed, even though Jack had hardly touched him.

"Ianto," Jack gasped, loving the reactions thin air on naked skin elicited in his lover.

Ianto growled ferally and flipped them over. Jack's trusty desk had long since been super-glued to the floor for this purpose.

"Oh, _Ianto_," Jack said, and then he could no longer hold back what he'd been dying to say for so many months, even as Ianto did things to him that might be considered illegal, if Catholicism were still the state religion (and if the separation of state and religion hadn't begun long ago).

Outside the door of Jack's office, the three other team members heard only this:

"Oh, my sweet, my one, my only! Your magic fingers drive me to heights of ecstasy even though you're only twenty-four and have never slept with other men, and possibly not even more than one woman!"

"Oh my love, I could never have given my virgin flesh to anyone but you, for you beguiled me with your manly and not at all creepy muscles and your come-ons, which make my already ridiculously tight suits even tighter in the groin area! Now please, take me! I know you would never hurt me, I don't care that you torture people sometimes, your incredibly large cock up my ass will feel like heavenly softness caressing me!"

"Oh Ianto! I want to marry you and carry your babies! And I can!"

"Now my life is complete! Hurry and fuck me so I can get pregnant too in our joyous union!"

"Yes! I shall use my mad sexual skillz to carry you to heretofore undreamed of heights of bliss and glory in our love! And we shall come at the exact same time, calling out each other's names in rapture!"

"Oh, my love!"

"Ianto!"

"Jack!"

"Ianto!"

"Jack!"

And slightly later:

„Do you really want to marry me?"

"Oh, Ianto, in all the hundreds of years I've lived, I've never ever ever ever felt like this before!"

"Oh, Jack!"

"Oh, Ianto!"

And then everyone heard Owen say, "Oh, god, save me from this rubbish."

Tosh looked a little bit glassy-eyed and turned on, and she told him to shut up.

Gwen just ran away crying.

And Jack and Ianto were happy and in love and carried on to have many strange, strange babies that were probably covered in mental Freudian scars from walking in on their parents shagging like bunnies.


End file.
